Untitled (for the moment)

I might have been an ace of clubs,
But a pair of hearts will always beat a high card.
I know I am no King of diamonds:
I have been a Jack of all suits,
but no suit suits me better than the one I share with you.
A Queen of Hearts you were never,
always too modest to take more than one,
but I admit to being a king of them,
once, though I might have jacked them.
Now I ace only your heart,
and I fold only to you.

The insomnia feels a touch more vicious tonight. The need for drugs is likely in the future. Maybe it's just being home. I can't stop thinking: the writing contest, Julie, tomorrow, the next day, American Lit., President Lincoln, how much time do I have left, how much money do I have left, where will I get a job, when will I have a real job, why do I want to buy things, why do I want to buy flowers and jewelry, of course I know why but am I crazy, why can't I fall asleep, why am I waking up in seven hours, why am I thinking about you reading this, why do I care, why haven't I talked to you or asked you how your break has been, why didn't you answer, why do I still care, why am I asking all these questions, what the hell is wrong with me, how many ways can you wear a pair of underwear without having a part that touched your butt touch your front, it can't be four, it is at least two, there is probably a way to do three, why didn't she call, why didn't she text, do I have to write this story now, is it a short story or a novel, am I writing something stupid, is writing stupid, is there a point to any of it, is there hope in the possibility of conveying to anyone ever the reality of the writer at the time of creation, what is the point, who will ever read me, how will I get myself read, what does an acting resume look like anyway and is it the same for voice actors, is there an agency, is this really possible, are my dreams stupid, do I dream too much and work too little, do I hope for something impossible to achieve, is there such a thing as impossible? Well, I know I couldn't have possibly covered every thought I had tonight, but those are a good few of them. Here's another: will I be able to get to sleep now?

Do I have poetry in me anymore? Is there anything left? The writing contest and poetry slam competition are coming and I don't know what material I'm going to present for myself. At this rate, I will lose again to Matthew. I do not wish to be a loser. I want to read my poetry to a full room (or, at least, a crowded one). Not to mention the prize money would be nice. Time and time again, I have been given losing blows by the school. The only thing I was good enough to do was speak at the donor luncheon. An honor, surely, but there have been others that I do not feel completely undeserving of that have been denied me.

I suppose that is all for 3AM. Good night, world, I wish the right people were reading this.

1. I'm allergic to cats. (Everyone seems to talk about an allergy.) I think this is ok and a shame at the same time. I think cats are prissy, but also loving and beautiful. I hope to not pay 500 dollars when I grow up so that I can have a hypoallergenic cat. (Hairless cats are gross.)
2. I have this thing with grammar. I love it. I like writing properly but know I don't all the time. I diagram sentences in my head.
3. I admit to being glad that I'm no longer a part of any organization or club. I'm grateful for the experience(s) they've given me, but I no longer wish to be circled by insincere people.
4. I am getting really sick of insincere people and their "friendships."
5. I make things more complicated than they are a lot of the time.
6. There are people whom I love and value more than they realize. Some of them are tagged in this note.
7. There are things in my past I am not proud of. I cannot say that I wouldn't go back and change them if I could.
8. I believe in: G-d, the self, other people, the spirit, aliens, Obama, this country, justice, the soul, ghosts, the afterlife, love, eternity.
9. My favorite professors include: Dr. Curtis, Chris Carrier, Brian Sinche, T, almost every English professor I've had, and Dr. Oliver. I want to be like him when I grow up.
10. When I grow up, I want to be: an author, a poet, a teacher, a wildlife photographer, a video game designer, a scriptwriter, an actor, a voice actor, a stand-up comedian, a magazine columnist, a superhero.
11. I'm afraid of losing people; I rarely let go. When I do, I accept it as a serious, irreversible act. It hurts to do so.
12. People say I'm serious. It may be true, but I've never felt that those who did ever knew me well enough to say so. They mostly see me lighthearted.
13. I like red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, brown, black, grey, and white.
14. I like to sleep. If I wake up before the end of a dream, I will put my head back down and imagine the rest of it.
15. 90% of my friends are girls. I'm not really sure why. My best friends of them are my sisters.
16. I'm a procrastinator. This is one thing I hate about me.
17. I think I'm a little bit paranoid, obsessive-compulsive, neurotic, and hypochondriacal.
18. I cut off a foot of my own hair.
19. I laugh at fart and "yo mamma" jokes. Really hard.
20. I have a pretty sweet DVD collection--that is, if you like Batman, Superman, Samurai Jack, and Peter Griffin.
21. I wish I was more knowledgeable about the technicalities of music.
22. I love to sing and dance. And beatbox.
23. I occasionally mention that I might've gone to Northeastern as an Art major as if it were a real possibility.
24. I don't know what I'm doing after college. I'm concentrating on making it through first.
25. I like it when friends come over. I don't really care when or for how long or how much notice they give me. It makes me feel loved. That's very important to me.
26. Negative people bother me.
27. I like smooth things.
28. I am currently in the top ten percent of my class. I hope student teaching doesn't change that.
29. I have Kanye West's "Heartless" stuck in my head.
30. I have things I should be doing right now. I'm going to do them, and pick this up later.

Resuming...

31. Apparently, I am in the top ten percent of my class. I dont think of myself as a crazy awesome student, until I think about it. I do work really hard, and I have put myself through a lot more shit than the average college kid.
32. I love nutella. I don't think I'd know what hazelnut tasted like if you fed me one, but I sure know chocolatey, and it is, and I love it.